A Realization

After a lot of crying, I just realized the reasons why I was so affected with what you've done; considering, it's a repeat pattern of behaviour. It's always been that way; and yet, still upsetting me--maybe because I fell for you or maybe because I was so dependent on you in many ways for the longest time.

I miss the way you were before; but everything turned out to be a big joke--a joke that isn't funny in any way I look at it! So hurting, we end up this way and I'm putting all the blame on you!

You exerted so much effort in trying to win me--trying to prove that you truly love me; but in the twinkling of an eye, everything gone to waste--you ruin our good relationship that we headed for a break-up!

My Lord and My God

The year 2012 has been tough for me--I feel 2012 is trying to put me to death for a lot of unpleasant events keep happening; thanks its 62 days to go and 2012 will be over and gone. You know that all I want is to be simply happy and to stop feeling miserable. I keep chasing for happiness but why it's so elusive--so hard to catch. Don't I deserve to be happy--am I not entitled to it even just for the remaining days of my life here on earth???

I remember that I even asked a sign from you, whoever gives me white flowers on my 54th birthday is the right man for me. I'm so overwhelmed when I received a bunch of white roses on that very special day of mine and it was really unexpected that it was him who would think of giving me that; indeed, it was the very first time he had given me flowers.

I believed we had your blessings so I tried not to let my fears hold me back in giving him another chance to be part of my life again. I know his capable of doing anything but because of You I've got to overcome those fears and I feel so reassured that everything will be alright between the two of us from that day onward.

But I was so wrong...he caused me so much pain over again. I thought he's a changed man--I thought I'll be happy with him this time around; but why is this happening again...why, oh why??? I'm so hurt, really hurt--my emotions are such a mess! I keep thinking about my life and realize that I have always been a failure. My Lord and My God; why am I always such a big FAILURE???!!! What's wrong with me???!!!

I'm at my wits' end!

I'm so depressed! I'm at the lowest point of my life and no one seems to care. I need someone to share what I'm going through nowadays...I need some emotional support from someone close to my heart just to feel I'm not all alone; sadly, I reached out my hand, but there's no one to hold...I need help but no one is willing to listen. People around me took my feelings for granted that make me feel more "SAP."

Me, myself and I tried to overcome my depression and forced to pull myself out of it. I tried a lot of things to get my mind off the negative thoughts; but no matter how much I want to beat it, I failed! The feelings of emptiness and despair take hold of my life that I feel even more depressed with each passing day. I'm exhausted--truly exhausted! I really don't know what to do just to shake off the "blahs" and back to my normal self again.

I'm not literally all alone but why is that I feel so alone and so lonely! Maybe because of the not so good things that's happening in our family, or maybe my health problems...financial strain, perhaps. But more than that, possibly the core of it all might be because of my age. I'm past the age of 50 and I have been and still am a failure in almost every area of my life.

Or I may say that the deeper underlying cause to my depression is brought about by one person who did everything to win my heart--he even blew up my relationship with someone else...it's all in the name of his love for me; but now, he's not here just when I need him most.

I hate the feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness! Why won't it go away--it seems like things will never get better. Aaaah! When it shall come to pass??? God help me, my emotions are such a mess--this is way too much for me to handle!

Civil Marriage Not Legally Binding

Who in their right mind would ever tell that "civil marriage" is not legally binding? No one except the person I personally know!

What if it's the other way around--if you were in my shoes, would it make any difference--would it change your understanding of "civil marriage," still remain one big question mark, huh?

So clearly, the end justify the means--all your efforts to attain your ultimate goal was not wasted. You really don't mind how you achieved it, whether it be contrary to the moral or divine law; and with that, your "wickedness" had reached its height!

Be cognizant of its reward and punishment: the merely moral who await their reward; the wicked who await their final punishment--I hope and pray that it's about to occur--that it's just within your reach.

"Always let your conscience be your guide." -The Blue Fairy

What is a FATHER?

If you were asked to describe your father, maybe you have lots of good things to say; but for my part, I guess I should just hold my tongue for I know nothing about my father except his name :'(

Speaking for myself, a Father is not worth mentioning for I had never experienced to have one and clueless on how was it to have a father; though in my childhood days, I wished to have both parents around.

All my life, I have had this thought that if my Father was responsible enough, I believed life for us would be much easier particularly to my mother who was left alone to shoulder all the responsibilities--the obligations supposed to be shared by the two parents.

And back in my younger days, I envied daughters with good loving fathers: fathers who provides, fathers who protects, fathers who only wants the best life possible for his children. This is the kind of FATHER I wish I had been given; nevertheless, I hold no grudge against my biological father as I had never felt that he existed at all.

So, I take my hat off and give a bow to all the fathers in the world who are doing a great job at being a father.

My Grandnephews

Time flies so fast! It seems like it was just yesterday when they were pre-schoolers; today, they’re both degree holders and already entirely two different individuals. They each have their own personality, interests and pleasurable pastimes; aside from that, they have their own circle of friends to hangout with.

As they begin to develop a sense of being independent, some things change, others remain the same. We do have bonding moments although not as often as compared to old times--when they had been very dependent on me. And so far, we didn't forget to celebrate each one’s birthday, Valentine's Day and such other occasions all together.

I have lots of wondrous happy memories with these two boys--now, grown-up men, notably when they were still kids. In fact, if it weren't for them, I would probably had not recovered so soon from a heartbreaking separation with the man whom I thought would be my partner for life. From there on, I have completely devoted myself to look after them; and later, in absence of their parents I act as their guardian.

I’ve considered them as my own flesh and blood; they have been so well-taken care of, well-loved and well-guided. On top of that, I have given them everything I had selflessly and I never turned my back on them, not even in those times when we had serious problems with money--all the more reason I have to stay. And I promised to myself that no matter what happens I will always be on their side as long as they need me.

I'm truly thankful to the Lord, despite our ups and downs have stayed together and managed to surpass all tribulations and obstacles that come our way. They were completely aware of what we’d been through before they reached this point of their lives. And it had been a no joke situation--I couldn't imagine myself going through the same thing all over again.

I know that sooner or later, they would lead their own separate lives; all I ever wished for them were to have a brighter future and be somebody--be the best in their chosen field. Good luck to the both of you! You both are my pride and joy; I am so proud of all your achievements!

April 10, 1958--A RED-LETTER DAY

April 10, 1958...this is the day the LORD brought me safely out from my mother's womb. I was born at home somewhere in Pasay, assisted by a low-cost Hilot--a traditional birth attendant, due to economic reason. My mother named me after Ms. Elvira Manahan, the late socialite anchor and famous TV talk show host of "Two for the Road" in the 60's and 80's.

I'm the youngest of four children and was raised in a single parent home--had been trapped in such situation, I can say that it was never easy; and even my mother who is now with the Lord would agree with me that it really was a hard life for all of us, not to mention with a limited way of earning money.

But since we were raised to tough it out, I should say that getting through every hardships and trials that life offers us is something to keep us going and maintain a positive attitude in life--I considered it a great life challenge. At 17, I had my first job and my quest for a better life has begun.

Although, my mother had failed to give us a comfortable life nor had given us complete education from elementary to college due to limited funds; still, we salute her for she had tried her very best to be a mother and a father to us all at the same time. We also admired her for the values she had instilled in our heart and mind that have made us better persons--God fearing persons; those values will remain with us all our life and passed down from generation to generation.