I woke-up one morning and you were on my mind, then out of the blue I had reminiscences of our past. Your memories haunt me like a ghost, but yet all I can remember is nothing but miseries. Because of you, I had a broken marriage and a broken dream, a dream of having a whole and happy family that I could call my very own. I felt totally at sea every time your memory lingers on; not to mention, I’m still hurting. Why can’t I put you to rest? A very big question mark in my mind; until, I finally came to the realization that I still have unfinished business with you and must be brought to an end.
For such a long time, my desire “to take revenge” has been deeply rooted within me, and now this desire came into visible manifestation. Thence, I had this sudden urge to search for you through the Internet. Luckily (if I may say so), I found you in Friendster and I had seen your marital status. I presumed you were not referring to our marriage; for you and your mother have had the same opinion. I still remember the day she had called and bluntly told me, “he is not your husband yet; you were just civilly married!" I had been completely demoralized and ashamed in a way, as if I were just trying to be your wife! There have been so many times I have asked myself these questions. If I were her child, would she tell me the same thing? Would she feel the same way my mother feels about our relationship? If we were not husband and wife, so then, what were we? Why did you have to marry me? So many questions left unanswered! I could barely contain myself to look back and I had now a total recall of our past.
In that case, I might as well take advantage of this moment to tell you everything that has not been said and done, so here goes. My word and my pain would not make any difference, so I ended up our relationship. We parted ways and after sometime you came back, we gave us another chance to start all over again. I was so naive to believe the truthfulness of your intention to patch things up. Thus, it was so frustrating to discover that the reconciliation was good for nothing. Considering at so little time, you engaged in an illicit affair setting the finality of our separation. For inexplicable reasons, you had this fear that I would be unfaithful to you and yet in the end, who became one?
I felt like you had played games with my feelings that you had just acted upon your vengeance out on me. All along, the very thing that you would have wanted was to make things turned the other way around, to look like you were the one who left me instead. What a sweet revenge, so to speak! It had been a very odd and disheartening experience; I would have done things differently if I had not accepted the reconciliation, much the same I would have not been very resentful if you had not come back at all. Anyhow, it was far too late to give some thought to the matter and as the saying goes “regrets always at the end;" besides you had been totally out of my life. Under these circumstances, closure has not been possible.
In my mind and in my heart, I need to get even somehow! I now have the eagerness to fulfill certain things that should have been fulfilled so long ago. Still and all, I couldn't possibly prosecute you at this point in time; maybe sometime in the future. However, I’m taking into account other option like downgrading your morality. I’m pretty much sure you will react, you have such a high regard for yourself and you think you're a good man! In the process, it seems you were affected with the way you responded. Then again, I was not completely satisfied in any way. I want something more, something that could hit you and the people around you with a greater impact. Say, as great as in putting you behind bars or anything to that effect.
Until, I interacted with this ministry (Global Media Outreach) giving an on-line bible study. I’m halfway through with the bible study guide (A 30-Day Guide for New Believers) and the words of God are so inspiring that it turned my thinking around. Instead of persecuting you, I'm surrendering you to the Lord. Forgiving is not this easy but through God's grace, He will truly comfort me, heal me and save me. True to His words, God helped me through this battle and He will put it to rest.
Psalm 37:7 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wickedness schemes."
Psalm 37:8 "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil."
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