I woke-up one morning and you were on my mind, then out of the blue I had reminiscences of our past. Your memories haunt me like a ghost, but yet all I can remember is nothing but miseries. Because of you, I had a broken marriage and a broken dream, a dream of having a whole and happy family that I could call my very own. I felt totally at sea every time your memory lingers on; not to mention, I’m still hurting. Why can’t I put you to rest? A very big question mark in my mind; until, I finally came to the realization that I still have unfinished business with you and must be brought to an end.
For such a long time, my desire “to take revenge” has been deeply rooted within me, and now this desire came into visible manifestation. Thence, I had this sudden urge to search for you through the Internet. Luckily (if I may say so), I found you in Friendster and I had seen your marital status. I presumed you were not referring to our marriage; for you and your mother have had the same opinion. I still remember the day she had called and bluntly told me, “he is not your husband yet; you were just civilly married!" I had been completely demoralized and ashamed in a way, as if I were just trying to be your wife! There have been so many times I have asked myself these questions. If I were her child, would she tell me the same thing? Would she feel the same way my mother feels about our relationship? If we were not husband and wife, so then, what were we? Why did you have to marry me? So many questions left unanswered! I could barely contain myself to look back and I had now a total recall of our past.
In that case, I might as well take advantage of this moment to tell you everything that has not been said and done, so here goes. My word and my pain would not make any difference, so I ended up our relationship. We parted ways and after sometime you came back, we gave us another chance to start all over again. I was so naive to believe the truthfulness of your intention to patch things up. Thus, it was so frustrating to discover that the reconciliation was good for nothing. Considering at so little time, you engaged in an illicit affair setting the finality of our separation. For inexplicable reasons, you had this fear that I would be unfaithful to you and yet in the end, who became one?
I felt like you had played games with my feelings that you had just acted upon your vengeance out on me. All along, the very thing that you would have wanted was to make things turned the other way around, to look like you were the one who left me instead. What a sweet revenge, so to speak! It had been a very odd and disheartening experience; I would have done things differently if I had not accepted the reconciliation, much the same I would have not been very resentful if you had not come back at all. Anyhow, it was far too late to give some thought to the matter and as the saying goes “regrets always at the end;" besides you had been totally out of my life. Under these circumstances, closure has not been possible.
In my mind and in my heart, I need to get even somehow! I now have the eagerness to fulfill certain things that should have been fulfilled so long ago. Still and all, I couldn't possibly prosecute you at this point in time; maybe sometime in the future. However, I’m taking into account other option like downgrading your morality. I’m pretty much sure you will react, you have such a high regard for yourself and you think you're a good man! In the process, it seems you were affected with the way you responded. Then again, I was not completely satisfied in any way. I want something more, something that could hit you and the people around you with a greater impact. Say, as great as in putting you behind bars or anything to that effect.
Until, I interacted with this ministry (Global Media Outreach) giving an on-line bible study. I’m halfway through with the bible study guide (A 30-Day Guide for New Believers) and the words of God are so inspiring that it turned my thinking around. Instead of persecuting you, I'm surrendering you to the Lord. Forgiving is not this easy but through God's grace, He will truly comfort me, heal me and save me. True to His words, God helped me through this battle and He will put it to rest.
Psalm 37:7 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wickedness schemes."
Psalm 37:8 "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil."
Saturday, July 4, 2009
The Guardian
I have lots of wondrous happy memories with these boys, especially when they were still kids. Actually, if it weren't for them, I would probably have not recovered so soon from a heartbreaking separation with the man whom I thought would be my partner for life. From there on, I have completely devoted myself to look after these two youngsters and later I became their guardian. Time passes by so fast that I almost didn't notice, I remember very well that they were just preschoolers then. Today they’re both in college, the younger one is in his second year taking up BS in Information and Technology in STI while the older one is about to finish a degree of BS in Computer Science in U.P. Diliman and soon to graduate with flying colors. They’re my pride and joy! Indeed, I’ve considered them as they’re my own flesh and blood; they were being well taken care of, well-loved and well-guided. On top of that, I’ve selflessly given them all that I’ve got and I haven't left them even in times of crisis and no matter what happens I will always be on their side as long as they needed me.
I'm truly thankful to the Lord, despite our ups and downs; still, we managed to surpass all obstacles that come our way. They were fully aware of what we’d been through before they reached this point of their lives. And, it had been a no joke situation; I couldn't imagine myself going through the same thing all over again. Sooner or later, they would lead their own separate lives and all that I ever wished for them were to have a brighter future and be somebody--be the best in their chosen field. They, in their late teens, are already entirely two different individuals. They each have their own personality, interests and pleasurable pastimes; aside from that they have their own circle of friends to hang out with. As they develop the sense of being independent, some things change but others remain the same; like, we do have bonding moments although not as often as compared to old times -- when they had been very dependent on me. And so far, we didn't forget to celebrate each one’s birthday, Valentine's Day and such other occasions all together. Also, we still always find time to eat out and shop around at the same time.
As they get older, I have seen changes in their attitude; the “older one” in particular has become so unapproachable and unpredictable. He is so obscure that no way you could get the idea on when you would have one real nice talk. More often than not, disagreements are the most likely to arise and eventually causes trouble that I find so upsetting. Little did I know that he stands corrected; in many instances, he took a very firm stand on his own understanding. I don't deserve to be disrespected... they get out-of-line and are being disrespectful whenever we have an argument. It's extremely annoying and frustrating on my part. Just to resolve persistent problem with their behavior, I had rather refrain myself from talking to them as much as possible, neither open-up conversations. On the other hand, I'm having second thoughts if this were the right approach; but since I couldn’t think of any other way, I chose to leave it just the same. It's definitely not the best way, but yet it might be the right one for the moment.
I'm so disappointed because it looks like I failed at parenting them more effectively. I didn't know what went wrong somewhere along the line. Then again, I’m still hopeful that one day they would learn the value of never to take for granted anybody or anyone's feelings and never to speak in a disrespectful manner as well. Even so, I reached my turning point for I felt like all the good things I’ve done haven't been paid off. The end result has always been a great failure! I have so much negative emotions deep inside that I have to get rid of it completely. So, I resorted to blogging and maintained an online journal wherein I could offload whatever it is I have in my heart and in my mind. Afterward, I felt so relieved and peaceful for letting go of the emotions and feelings of pain and sadness. Above all, I'm holding unto the Lord for he will never leave me nor fail me.
Psalms 37:3-5 “Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land and verily though shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the Lord and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in Him and He shall bring it to pass."
I'm truly thankful to the Lord, despite our ups and downs; still, we managed to surpass all obstacles that come our way. They were fully aware of what we’d been through before they reached this point of their lives. And, it had been a no joke situation; I couldn't imagine myself going through the same thing all over again. Sooner or later, they would lead their own separate lives and all that I ever wished for them were to have a brighter future and be somebody--be the best in their chosen field. They, in their late teens, are already entirely two different individuals. They each have their own personality, interests and pleasurable pastimes; aside from that they have their own circle of friends to hang out with. As they develop the sense of being independent, some things change but others remain the same; like, we do have bonding moments although not as often as compared to old times -- when they had been very dependent on me. And so far, we didn't forget to celebrate each one’s birthday, Valentine's Day and such other occasions all together. Also, we still always find time to eat out and shop around at the same time.
As they get older, I have seen changes in their attitude; the “older one” in particular has become so unapproachable and unpredictable. He is so obscure that no way you could get the idea on when you would have one real nice talk. More often than not, disagreements are the most likely to arise and eventually causes trouble that I find so upsetting. Little did I know that he stands corrected; in many instances, he took a very firm stand on his own understanding. I don't deserve to be disrespected... they get out-of-line and are being disrespectful whenever we have an argument. It's extremely annoying and frustrating on my part. Just to resolve persistent problem with their behavior, I had rather refrain myself from talking to them as much as possible, neither open-up conversations. On the other hand, I'm having second thoughts if this were the right approach; but since I couldn’t think of any other way, I chose to leave it just the same. It's definitely not the best way, but yet it might be the right one for the moment.
I'm so disappointed because it looks like I failed at parenting them more effectively. I didn't know what went wrong somewhere along the line. Then again, I’m still hopeful that one day they would learn the value of never to take for granted anybody or anyone's feelings and never to speak in a disrespectful manner as well. Even so, I reached my turning point for I felt like all the good things I’ve done haven't been paid off. The end result has always been a great failure! I have so much negative emotions deep inside that I have to get rid of it completely. So, I resorted to blogging and maintained an online journal wherein I could offload whatever it is I have in my heart and in my mind. Afterward, I felt so relieved and peaceful for letting go of the emotions and feelings of pain and sadness. Above all, I'm holding unto the Lord for he will never leave me nor fail me.
Psalms 37:3-5 “Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land and verily though shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the Lord and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in Him and He shall bring it to pass."
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